| I forgot how many pretty faces we have here. I think Ottawa may have a larger than average female population, possibly because of all the office work. | ||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Just a Theory
The Party Animals
|
(A man sits serenely on the patio of a drinking establishment, sipping on his drink, when he is confronted by a ragged passerby.) Passerby: You'll never get drunk like that. It's like this! (He pulls out a large bottle and guzzles it. He then starts throwing up violently.) That's the ticket! BLAGH! AGH! (A woman shoots up in an alleyway with her friend.) Friend: Are you high yet? Woman: I don't think so. Better do some more. (She injects herself with a hefty dose, rises to her feet, and starts bashing her head against the wall.) There. Now I'm high. (Slam! Slam! Blood begins to trickle from her scalp.) |
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Monday, January 28, 2013
'Void' Depressurizing Gum
|
Are your ear canals prone to swelling when changing altitudes? Sounds like you need a pack of delicious Void depressurizing gum. Void is specially designed to address these uncomfortable changes - unlike normal gum, which may have a similar effect. And Void has been the leading choice of airline pilots for over twenty years. So take those bubbles out of your ears and put them in your wad where they belong, with Void! (Physician's warning: for oral use only. Swallowing this gum can cause the bends.) |
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Jail Leno -- in Prison!
| January 2016: Visit my Copyright Issues page for a fuller accounting of Jay Leno's crimes. I removed this page's content because it spoiled my comedy streak, but I've since learned that Jay Leno indeed went to prison in 2013 - along with many other stars who owe me piles of money for my work. | ||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2013, 2016. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Normal Me
|
I don't want to write unpleasant accounts. Sometimes I can't help it. But this is a comedy blog. I wasn't lying in those recently deleted blogs. I just didn't like their content. I don't hold grudges. It was all a misunderstanding. I'm heading off tonight, but I have something very important to tell you first. I'm not crazy. When I told my doctor it felt like the whole world was against me, the whole world really was against me. And when I told him that the TV was personally attacking me, the TV was in fact attacking me. |
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2013. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Cowhide
|
Bartender: Well look what the snakes dragged in! If it ain't old Cowhide! What are you doin here? I thought you was on a date with Betsy-Lou. Cowhide: She had to go home on account of her allergic reaction. But she gave me these nice presents. (He pulls out a bar of deodorant.) Lookie here! A glue stick! I always wanted one of these to help me seal my envelopes. Bartender: That ain't no glue stick! That there's deodorant, you barbarian! Cowhide: And how's about this lovely sharp edge. I can use it to trim around my trees. Bartender: That's a razor, you cave man! That's for trimming around your nose and mouth! Cowhide: And check this out. Bakin soda. This is just what I need to thicken up my gravy. Bartender: Cowhide! You orangatan! Ain't you never seen foot powder before? |
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
The Lobbyist
|
The men who hired him as a lobbyist knew that, in a public forum, the loudest mouth prevails. Chairperson: So if we're all ready to vote on this vital plan to make our crosswalks safer for children - Lobbyist: YOU WANT TO WASTE MONEY ON THAT? THERE'S TOO MANY OF THOSE LITTLE BEGGARS RUNNING AROUND ON THE LOOSE! THEY'RE CAUSING A MENACE! Chairperson: You in the gallery, you are not on this committee. Kindly cease your interruptions. Member: Let him speak! (Other members join in support.) Lobbyist: HOW DO YOU THINK THEY GOT AWAY FROM THEIR PARENTS LIKE THAT? BECAUSE THEIR MOTHERS HAVE TOO MUCH HOUSEWORK! YOU NEED TO SINK THE MONEY INTO HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES, LIKE THOSE MANUFACTURED BY MY CLIENT, OR SOON ENOUGH, EVERYONE AND THEIR GRANDMOTHER IS GOING TO END UP STUMBLING AROUND LOST IN THE MIDDLE OF AN AUTOROUTE! Member: Hey! He's making sense! |
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)