|
Tonight at eight, get ready for action at its most refined with Johnny Levelhead. He's a new breed of tough guy, the kind that knows how to turn violence into a calm solution. (An alleyway. A thug with a gun holds up our well dressed hero.) Thug: Gimme all your money! Levelhead: Are you sure that's the best solution to your problem? Thug: Come on! Hand it over! Levelhead: I think you're making a bad decision here. You're about to commit a felony. If money's all you need, have you ever considered an insurance policy? Thug: You some kinda fancy lawyer or somethin? Okay, talk, fancy pants! Levelhead: I can fix you up with a policy if you like. Got it right here in the briefcase. (He takes out some papers and a pen, and gets the thug to sign.) And your financial problems are over. Thug: (beaming) Nice! Levelhead: As soon as you shoot yourself in the head. Thug: Wha-? Where does it say that? Levelhead: Right here. See? It's a life insurance policy. Thug: (pointing the gun) Then I guess I should just shoot you and take your money. Levelhead: Oh no. If you do that, your mother's life is forfeit. Thug: You can execute my mother? Levelhead: You should really be careful what you sign. (The thug looks the paper over, breathing heavily. With a defeated expression, he points the gun at his head and pulls the trigger.) Don't miss Johnny Levelhead. Tonight at eight. |
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Johnny Levelhead
Free of Charges
|
I erased a few things yesterday - voluntarily. I want to give my readers as much of a lighthearted experience as I can. Besides, I have some legal professionals on my side now to deal with the heavy stuff. Too bad I didn't have them with me from the outset. And just as I freely choose to remove my work from public view, others may freely choose to illegaly cash it in for themselves. So I hope I won't have to feel guilty about sharing my work online for the rest of my life. I thought that what was done with it caused me enough grief. |
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2013. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Common Complacence/Farmers
|
Good evening. And welcome to Common Complacence. I'm your host, Jack Upshot. Well, everyone is agreed that the unemployed are on their own, but is this enough? They're not the only ones that clutter our world with their hard luck stories. What about farmers? Always whining about not having enough when they sit in comfortable farmhouses on huge ranches complete with animals and barns. Who are they trying to kid? I wish I had a million dollars to feed my cattle. I can't even afford plant food for my cactus. And it's not like we'll starve without them. We can always eat petroleum. I say not caring about agricultural issues is just good common sense. Join me next week for a discussion on symphony orchestras. Until then, I'm Jack Upshot. Good night. |
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Vote for Willie
|
Hello, fellow citizens. My name is Wilfred Albertson. Some of you may know me as 'Bus Station Willie'. I have decided to take a break from collecting empty pop cans and run for prime minister. There are some important changes that need to be made before we can call our country a true democracy. The age of consent needs to be lowered - especially for lost looking male runaways, newly arrived in the big city. On the other hand, time limits in public washrooms need to be raised. When standing at a urinal, sometimes it takes longer for a person to relax and be able to go. Advanced cities like Hamburg, Germany, practise such tolerance. Why should they have more rights than us? So don't be silly! Vote for Willie! The opinions expressed in this equal time political commercial in no way reflect the opinions of this network or its affiliates. |
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
The Trial of Ida Hemlock
|
Tonight on The Trial of Ida Hemlock... (A courtroom.) Lawyer: Mrs Hemlock, why did you stab your husband? Hemlock: I mistook him for a prowler. He never comes in through the front door. Lawyer: And your husband's brother said that he found your husband on the floor in a pool of his own blood when he stopped by to visit on the afternoon in question. Why didn't you do something to help him before he bled to death? Hemlock: (succumbing to tears) Because I just couldn't face him! |
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
A Word About Humor
|
My laughs depend on my words. Jay Leno proved this when he tried to invite the Invisible Man onto the Tonight Show and interview him with an improvised dialogue. It sucked. (By the way, the original script for that idea is still here. It's just invisible.) You can have a funny idea for a sketch, but if you don't expand it in just the right way, the laugh is lost. That's why people like Jay Leno and the SNL gang must have been thrilled when I deleted my work and left it all on Google. From that point, they were free to plagiarize me word for word - at least until I came back in 2010. |
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2013. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Just a Theory
| I forgot how many pretty faces we have here. I think Ottawa may have a larger than average female population, possibly because of all the office work. | ||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)