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(A lineup at a retail store.) Cashier: Okay! Okay! Move it! Next! Customer: How do you operate this? Cashier: That'll be twelve-fifty, sir. Customer: But - Cashier: Sir, there are people behind you waiting. Customer: Oh, all right. (He pays the money.) Cashier: Next! Let's go! Let's go! Customer: Can I use this on my hardwood floor? Cashier: Seven thirty-seven. Customer: But you haven't answered - Cashier: I'm not a janitor. I am a cashier. Seven thirty-seven. (Frowning, she reaches into her purse and pays.) Cashier: Come on! Come on! Move it along now! Customer: Can I return this item here? Cashier: That would be customer service, sir. This is the checkout. Customer: I know but - Cashier: (Pointing) Customer service. That way. (The customer gets the message and leaves.) Next! Keep it moving! Customer: How are you? Cashier: Twenty-two forty-five. Customer: (While paying) You sure are busy in here. How many customers do you serve in a shift? You know I used to work in retail. That was about eight years ago now, before my second child was born. She's - Cashier: NEXT! Customer: But I didn't get my change. Cashier: I'm charging you for the conversation. Take a hike. NEXT! (The customer leaves in a huff.) (Enter the manager.) Manager: Good work, Matthews. Don't let them linger. Cashier: Thank you, sir. (Exit manager. The next customer is a gorgeous woman.) Well hel-lo! I thought I spotted you back there! Nice to see you again. Those laggards ahead of you in the line didn't make you wait too long, I hope. Are you still with the dance studio?... |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Thursday, January 10, 2013
The Cashier
A Few Thoughts
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I need to talk about myself again for a moment. Just a few things that may need clearing up. I'm not a trend or a pop star. You are confusing me with the people who stole my music. I'm not a stand-up comic. You're confusing me with the people who stole my humour. I am an artist and a humourist. The next time someone wants to tell everyone I can't draw, why don't they invite me to draw their portrait live, in front of a camera? As bad as it was to be left out of the celebration of my work, it's even worse to be left out of this online kangaroo court that arbitrarily passes judgement on my talent without evidence and then gets the rest of the world to go along with it. Okay, I once left a jealous comment on another artist's page. I envied his technique, not his talent. And I apologized afterwards. Are we sure I've been humiliated enough yet? I'm eating at a drop-in, forced to listen to others listen to the radio or the TV. Are we sure this is right? I still haven't been compensated for all that good work of mine that was stolen and consumed. I'm not a halfwit. I'm not a hard drug user. I'm not a criminal. And, dear God, I would never harm a child. I'm actually a pretty high functioning individual. If there are still people who want you to think I'm untalented, do you think it might have something to do with the fact that I still haven't recovered all my work? You know, some of these thieves are highly influential. They can sit back from their televised pulpits and wail on me. Why are they still allowed to do this? Why am I still blocked from my online followers? If I knew I had them in the first place, I wouldn't have deleted anything and this nightmare would have never begun. Why do I have to travel 2,500 miles to answer my comments? |
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| © 2013. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Running on Air
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(A footrace. The winning runner pulls out a pack of smokes and lights one. He is approached by a reporter with a microphone.) I'm surprised to see such an athlete with a cigarette in his mouth. What? This? This isn't tobacco. It's an air smoke. An air smoke! What's that? It's the cigarette that nourishes your lungs, instead of destroying them like other cigarettes. No toxins here. Just good old nitrogen, balanced with oxygen, and fortified with over a hundred vitamins and minerals. And you don't have to worry about addiction because you're already addicted. Want a drag? (He offers her a puff and she accepts.) What do you think? I think it cured my asthma. What did I tell you? Try new air smokes. They'll have you running on air. |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Celebrity Showdown
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(The future? A television studio.) Just: Good evening. And welcome to Celebrity Showdown. I am your host, Judy Just. Tonight we will settle a widely known copyright dispute. On my left, we have the popular television personality and host of The Clay Concrete Show, Clay Concrete. Thank you for being with us, Clay. (Cheers from the audience.) And on my right, all the way from Canada, we have Steven Berkowitz, a controversial internet author. (Boos.) You see behind me the cross on which the loser in this showdown will be crucified. (Applause.) A short time ago, Mister Berkowitz posted a comedy blog that closely resembled content from The Clay Concrete Show. Concrete says it's his, and fans of the television program are howling in protest. Now, before we settle this matter, let's talk to both of them, starting with Mister Concrete. Why should we believe you, sir? Concrete: Because I've been in the comedy business for decades and I have built up a solid reputation in that time. Just: I see. And do you use the internet much? Concrete: No. Just: All right then. Mister Berkowitz, you just heard your opponent say that he has been in the comedy business for decades. What sort of comedy have you produced in all that time? Berkowitz: Actually, my background is more in wheelbarrow pushing than comedy, but I have been known to draw a pretty decent cartoon. Just: The post in question is not a cartoon. Berkowitz: I know. It was supposed to be, but I was in a rush. Just: And do you watch television? Berkowitz: Not much. Just The Clay Concrete Show, when I can afford cable. Just: You watch your opponent's show. Okay. And it says on my sheet that you suffer from a mental illness that sometimes manifests in pathological lying. Berkowitz: No, I just said that to get a bigger welfare cheque. (Boos from the crowd force Berkowitz into a defensive posture.) Just: (rolling her eyes) Well, we'll know the true owner of this work in just a few seconds because we in the media have access to the permanent record of all internet posts. We just have to type in the disputed text and the computer can instantly track down its origin. Concrete: What? I thought this would be settled by popular vote! (He tries to escape but guards block his way.) Just: And the winner is Mister Concrete! (Cheers. Men in shirts with 'Nail Driver' marked on their backs come for Berkowitz.) Concrete: Me? Berkowitz: Oh well. At least it will all be over in six to twenty-four hours. Just: Hold it! Mister Concrete, did you reside in Canada when you first came up with this work? Concrete: Canada? Uh- sure. I went there on a fishing trip. Just: In December? And did your passport photo bear this uncanny resemblance to Mister Berkowitz? Berkowitz: Hey, that's right! I wrote all that stuff under a pen name the first time! Just: Mister Berkowitz, please forgive us for almost making a horrible mistake. Boys! (The men let go of Berkowitz and seize Concrete.) Concrete: No! Dear God in Heaven! No! Just: And that's all we have for you this week. Stay tuned after the break for some good old fashioned Roman American justice as we flash our credits, all of which you can fully trust. For Celebrity Showdown, I'm Judy Just. (Cheers and applause partially cover Concrete's cries of agony.) |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Stupid Talk Show Hosts
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Now it's time for my most hilarious segment, as you can tell by my giggling, called Stupid Criminals. Now here's a stupid criminal if there ever was one. He stole his work from the internet! (Laughing) You can't get away with stealing work from the internet! What a fool! Hey, wait a minute - (Police appear and drag the prick away in handcuffs. Hooray. Make sure to leave his money in the bank for me.) |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Tuesday Night Long
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Long, from the big important city, it's Tuesday night! (Show saxophonist playing as cast names and photos commence.) With Steve Savage!...(sax break)...Molly Hunter!...(sax break)...Greg Johnson!...(sax break)...Perry Matthews!...(sax break)...Allison Tyler!...(sax break)...John Jacobs!...(sax break)...Phillip Todd Anderson!...(saxophonist's eyes bulging, face turning blue)...Joe Plummer!...(saxophonist stops to draw breath)...Eddie Pinto!...(saxophonist resumes playing)...Hugh Henson!...Jill Williams!...Mandy Martin!...(saxophonist collapses)...Ted Lewis!...Jane Sharp!...Allan Fredericks!...Erica Redding!... |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Hip Moves
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Hi there, fellow boogiers! Time once again for Hip Moves. I'm your instructor, Ronnie Sprite. Today we're going to run through some fun new ways to interpret the timeless music of the Pointer Sisters. Are you ready? This first one's called the Oh No You Don't! (Start music. He moves his legs in time to the music as he first points his index finger out four times, then turns his wrist and bends his finger in four times, then closes by waving it from side to side four times.) And here's one that really boogies! It's called the Booger Flick! (Start music. This time he points the finger up the side of his nose four times and then flicks the imaginary mucus at the camera four times.) And here's the Double Booger Flick! Advanced students only. (Start music. He alternates right and left index fingers in the act of synchronized nose pointing and booger flicking.) You can even let your dog in on the fun - as long as he's a pointer. (Start music. A terrier in profile lifts his front leg to point.) |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
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