Celebrity Showdown

(The future? A television studio.) Just: Good evening. And welcome to Celebrity Showdown. I am your host, Judy Just. Tonight we will settle a widely known copyright dispute. On my left, we have the popular television personality and host of The Clay Concrete Show, Clay Concrete. Thank you for being with us, Clay. (Cheers from the audience.) And on my right, all the way from Canada, we have Steven Berkowitz, a controversial internet author. (Boos.) You see behind me the cross on which the loser in this showdown will be crucified. (Applause.) A short time ago, Mister Berkowitz posted a comedy blog that closely resembled content from The Clay Concrete Show. Concrete says it's his, and fans of the television program are howling in protest. Now, before we settle this matter, let's talk to both of them, starting with Mister Concrete. Why should we believe you, sir? Concrete: Because I've been in the comedy business for decades and I have built up a solid reputation in that time. Just: I see. And do you use the internet much? Concrete: No. Just: All right then. Mister Berkowitz, you just heard your opponent say that he has been in the comedy business for decades. What sort of comedy have you produced in all that time? Berkowitz: Actually, my background is more in wheelbarrow pushing than comedy, but I have been known to draw a pretty decent cartoon. Just: The post in question is not a cartoon. Berkowitz: I know. It was supposed to be, but I was in a rush. Just: And do you watch television? Berkowitz: Not much. Just The Clay Concrete Show, when I can afford cable. Just: You watch your opponent's show. Okay. And it says on my sheet that you suffer from a mental illness that sometimes manifests in pathological lying. Berkowitz: No, I just said that to get a bigger welfare cheque. (Boos from the crowd force Berkowitz into a defensive posture.) Just: (rolling her eyes) Well, we'll know the true owner of this work in just a few seconds because we in the media have access to the permanent record of all internet posts. We just have to type in the disputed text and the computer can instantly track down its origin. Concrete: What? I thought this would be settled by popular vote! (He tries to escape but guards block his way.) Just: And the winner is Mister Concrete! (Cheers. Men in shirts with 'Nail Driver' marked on their backs come for Berkowitz.) Concrete: Me? Berkowitz: Oh well. At least it will all be over in six to twenty-four hours. Just: Hold it! Mister Concrete, did you reside in Canada when you first came up with this work? Concrete: Canada? Uh- sure. I went there on a fishing trip. Just: In December? And did your passport photo bear this uncanny resemblance to Mister Berkowitz? Berkowitz: Hey, that's right! I wrote all that stuff under a pen name the first time! Just: Mister Berkowitz, please forgive us for almost making a horrible mistake. Boys! (The men let go of Berkowitz and seize Concrete.) Concrete: No! Dear God in Heaven! No! Just: And that's all we have for you this week. Stay tuned after the break for some good old fashioned Roman American justice as we flash our credits, all of which you can fully trust. For Celebrity Showdown, I'm Judy Just. (Cheers and applause partially cover Concrete's cries of agony.)
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.