Johnny Levelhead

Tonight at eight, get ready for action at its most refined with Johnny Levelhead. He's a new breed of tough guy, the kind that knows how to turn violence into a calm solution. (An alleyway. A thug with a gun holds up our well dressed hero.) Thug: Gimme all your money! Levelhead: Are you sure that's the best solution to your problem? Thug: Come on! Hand it over! Levelhead: I think you're making a bad decision here. You're about to commit a felony. If money's all you need, have you ever considered an insurance policy? Thug: You some kinda fancy lawyer or somethin? Okay, talk, fancy pants! Levelhead: I can fix you up with a policy if you like. Got it right here in the briefcase. (He takes out some papers and a pen, and gets the thug to sign.) And your financial problems are over. Thug: (beaming) Nice! Levelhead: As soon as you shoot yourself in the head. Thug: Wha-? Where does it say that? Levelhead: Right here. See? It's a life insurance policy. Thug: (pointing the gun) Then I guess I should just shoot you and take your money. Levelhead: Oh no. If you do that, your mother's life is forfeit. Thug: You can execute my mother? Levelhead: You should really be careful what you sign. (The thug looks the paper over, breathing heavily. With a defeated expression, he points the gun at his head and pulls the trigger.) Don't miss Johnny Levelhead. Tonight at eight.
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Free of Charges

I erased a few things yesterday - voluntarily. I want to give my readers as much of a lighthearted experience as I can. Besides, I have some legal professionals on my side now to deal with the heavy stuff. Too bad I didn't have them with me from the outset. And just as I freely choose to remove my work from public view, others may freely choose to illegaly cash it in for themselves. So I hope I won't have to feel guilty about sharing my work online for the rest of my life. I thought that what was done with it caused me enough grief.
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Common Complacence/Farmers

Good evening. And welcome to Common Complacence. I'm your host, Jack Upshot. Well, everyone is agreed that the unemployed are on their own, but is this enough? They're not the only ones that clutter our world with their hard luck stories. What about farmers? Always whining about not having enough when they sit in comfortable farmhouses on huge ranches complete with animals and barns. Who are they trying to kid? I wish I had a million dollars to feed my cattle. I can't even afford plant food for my cactus. And it's not like we'll starve without them. We can always eat petroleum. I say not caring about agricultural issues is just good common sense. Join me next week for a discussion on symphony orchestras. Until then, I'm Jack Upshot. Good night.
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Vote for Willie

Hello, fellow citizens. My name is Wilfred Albertson. Some of you may know me as 'Bus Station Willie'. I have decided to take a break from collecting empty pop cans and run for prime minister. There are some important changes that need to be made before we can call our country a true democracy. The age of consent needs to be lowered - especially for lost looking male runaways, newly arrived in the big city. On the other hand, time limits in public washrooms need to be raised. When standing at a urinal, sometimes it takes longer for a person to relax and be able to go. Advanced cities like Hamburg, Germany, practise such tolerance. Why should they have more rights than us? So don't be silly! Vote for Willie! The opinions expressed in this equal time political commercial in no way reflect the opinions of this network or its affiliates.
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Trial of Ida Hemlock

Tonight on The Trial of Ida Hemlock... (A courtroom.) Lawyer: Mrs Hemlock, why did you stab your husband? Hemlock: I mistook him for a prowler. He never comes in through the front door. Lawyer: And your husband's brother said that he found your husband on the floor in a pool of his own blood when he stopped by to visit on the afternoon in question. Why didn't you do something to help him before he bled to death? Hemlock: (succumbing to tears) Because I just couldn't face him!
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

A Word About Humor

My laughs depend on my words. Jay Leno proved this when he tried to invite the Invisible Man onto the Tonight Show and interview him with an improvised dialogue. It sucked. (By the way, the original script for that idea is still here. It's just invisible.) You can have a funny idea for a sketch, but if you don't expand it in just the right way, the laugh is lost. That's why people like Jay Leno and the SNL gang must have been thrilled when I deleted my work and left it all on Google. From that point, they were free to plagiarize me word for word - at least until I came back in 2010.
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Just a Theory

I forgot how many pretty faces we have here. I think Ottawa may have a larger than average female population, possibly because of all the office work.
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The Party Animals

(A man sits serenely on the patio of a drinking establishment, sipping on his drink, when he is confronted by a ragged passerby.) Passerby: You'll never get drunk like that. It's like this! (He pulls out a large bottle and guzzles it. He then starts throwing up violently.) That's the ticket! BLAGH! AGH! (A woman shoots up in an alleyway with her friend.) Friend: Are you high yet? Woman: I don't think so. Better do some more. (She injects herself with a hefty dose, rises to her feet, and starts bashing her head against the wall.) There. Now I'm high. (Slam! Slam! Blood begins to trickle from her scalp.)
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

'Void' Depressurizing Gum

Are your ear canals prone to swelling when changing altitudes? Sounds like you need a pack of delicious Void depressurizing gum. Void is specially designed to address these uncomfortable changes - unlike normal gum, which may have a similar effect. And Void has been the leading choice of airline pilots for over twenty years. So take those bubbles out of your ears and put them in your wad where they belong, with Void! (Physician's warning: for oral use only. Swallowing this gum can cause the bends.)
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Jail Leno -- in Prison!

January 2016: Visit my Copyright Issues page for a fuller accounting of Jay Leno's crimes. I removed this page's content because it spoiled my comedy streak, but I've since learned that Jay Leno indeed went to prison in 2013 - along with many other stars who owe me piles of money for my work.
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Normal Me

I don't want to write unpleasant accounts. Sometimes I can't help it. But this is a comedy blog. I wasn't lying in those recently deleted blogs. I just didn't like their content. I don't hold grudges. It was all a misunderstanding. I'm heading off tonight, but I have something very important to tell you first. I'm not crazy. When I told my doctor it felt like the whole world was against me, the whole world really was against me. And when I told him that the TV was personally attacking me, the TV was in fact attacking me.
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Cowhide

Bartender: Well look what the snakes dragged in! If it ain't old Cowhide! What are you doin here? I thought you was on a date with Betsy-Lou. Cowhide: She had to go home on account of her allergic reaction. But she gave me these nice presents. (He pulls out a bar of deodorant.) Lookie here! A glue stick! I always wanted one of these to help me seal my envelopes. Bartender: That ain't no glue stick! That there's deodorant, you barbarian! Cowhide: And how's about this lovely sharp edge. I can use it to trim around my trees. Bartender: That's a razor, you cave man! That's for trimming around your nose and mouth! Cowhide: And check this out. Bakin soda. This is just what I need to thicken up my gravy. Bartender: Cowhide! You orangatan! Ain't you never seen foot powder before?
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Lobbyist

The men who hired him as a lobbyist knew that, in a public forum, the loudest mouth prevails. Chairperson: So if we're all ready to vote on this vital plan to make our crosswalks safer for children - Lobbyist: YOU WANT TO WASTE MONEY ON THAT? THERE'S TOO MANY OF THOSE LITTLE BEGGARS RUNNING AROUND ON THE LOOSE! THEY'RE CAUSING A MENACE! Chairperson: You in the gallery, you are not on this committee. Kindly cease your interruptions. Member: Let him speak! (Other members join in support.) Lobbyist: HOW DO YOU THINK THEY GOT AWAY FROM THEIR PARENTS LIKE THAT? BECAUSE THEIR MOTHERS HAVE TOO MUCH HOUSEWORK! YOU NEED TO SINK THE MONEY INTO HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES, LIKE THOSE MANUFACTURED BY MY CLIENT, OR SOON ENOUGH, EVERYONE AND THEIR GRANDMOTHER IS GOING TO END UP STUMBLING AROUND LOST IN THE MIDDLE OF AN AUTOROUTE! Member: Hey! He's making sense!
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The Trainee

(A work area.) I don't like that trainee. Why not? He seems to work hard. Sure. Making us look bad. He seems to have a pleasant disposition. Probably because he's got something to hide. He knows the job and accepts his humble place on the team. He's no good, I tell you! Why? Because he's here with us!
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Survival School

(A 1950's classroom.) Okay, kids, you can come out from under your desks now. You're safe from the detonation of a nuclear weapon. But there's more. The intense bright light from such a blast would strike you all blind. Take out your blindfolds and put them on please. Now I'm covering the floor in Kraft caramels. If you were blind and struggling in the aftermath of a nuclear holocaust, you'd have to claw and bite your way past your neighbour to get to any of the meager resources that might remain. So off you go now! No rules! Every kid for himself! The one who collects the most caramels gets to take off the blindfold! Good work, Stevie! Hey! Nice use of the elbow, Brenda! Do we have a winner? Great! You can take off your blindfold and stand next to the winner of the nuclear winter competition. I'm sure you'll find him right where we last put him. Don't try to make conversation with him, though. He barely ever opens his mouth.
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Bigger than the Host

Coming up on Bigger than the Host, Johnny Dazzle has the women swooning... Host: Why do you musicians get all the chicks? Dazzle: I don't know. I guess they think we're talented. (He raises his arms in triumph and the crowd supports him as the host hangs his head in disgrace.) ...Fast Freddie pays us a visit to talk about his new movie... Host: Why do you movie stars get all the women? FF: I don't know. I guess they think we're entertaining. (He lifts his arms and clasps his hands over his head, pumping them a few times to get the crowd cheering, as the host hangs his head in defeat.) ...And we'll round things off with the multi-talented Allen Viceroy... Viceroy: (speaking from the host's chair) Why do you musical comedians get all the ladies? (He gets up and sits in the guest chair to answer the question.) I don't know, but your lower profile should allow you to survive longer...
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Jesus of Vancouver/Canadian Film Festival

This week on the Canadian Film Festival, we present Jesus of Vancouver. (A soup line. A cripple is wheeled up to one of the waiting men.) Waiting Man: Who's that? A cripple? What do you want me to do about it? How many times do I have to tell you I'm not Jesus? You know, this is exactly why I had to leave Montreal! Don't miss Jesus of Vancouver, tonight on the Canadian Film Festival. PS JESUS HATES FRAUD SO JESUS HATES YOUR JESUS OF AMERICA SKETCH.
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Infernal Revenue Service

Hi'ya gentlemen! I bet'ch ya thought ya got away with not getting taxed on all those illegal profits! Actually, the taxes for them goes to a different boss, see? And I'm looking forward to meeting you so I can collect them on his behalf! (He punches his palm with a smile.) So you just keep up the good work now. A message from the Infernal Revenue Service.
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Pastry Bomb

Looking for more action from your doughnut? Try the new Pastry Bomb from Tim Kachinski's. One bite is all you'll need to experience its explosive flavour. And don't worry about sneaking one before your wedding... (Show the groom covered in sticky globs of filling. Flash forward to the wedding. The bride is also covered from head to toe.) ...because the spouse loves them as much as you do. The Pastry Bomb from Tim Kachinski's. Because it isn't pastry unless you get pasted. PS TV STARS WHO STEAL FROM THE INTERNET SUCK COCKS IN HELL.
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Eternal Revenue Service

It's tax time and we're here with another friendly reminder to fill out your forms to completion. We continue to notice failure to check off yes or no to Question 2A, Schedule B, Subsection 3D: 'Did you become deceased in the last six months?' Apparently you don't want to take this question seriously. Jesus himself told the people to pay their taxes. And it says 'In God We Trust' on every one of those banknotes you are hoarding. That means God doesn't want you until you pay your taxes. You think you're going to escape it all by dying? Maybe one of the first souls you run into will be one of us. Think ahead. A message from the Eternal Revenue Service.
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Professional Wisecracker

Announcer: Tonight: He started out wanting to be a professional safe cracker, but he was flunking his apprenticeship. So they put him to work doing what he does best - wisecracking. (An unopened wall safe. A safe cracker uses a stethoscope to hear the tumblers as he spins the dial.) Wisecracker: Doctor, I think the patient is suffering from an iron deficiency. Safe Cracker: Very funny. But you can't watch me and the door at the same time. Wisecracker: I thought you said this would be a safe occupation. Safe Cracker: (Waving a wrench from his toolbox) I'm warning you, you better point that wit elsewhere or I'll crack you good! (A knock on the door. 'Open up! Police!') Wisecracker: Okay. I hear something. (The door is busted down and a policeman enters with his weapon drawn.) Shoot! I mean, don't shoot! (The officer breaks down laughing, allowing his suspects to escape.) Announcer: Watch Professional Wisecracker. Tonight.
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Tasmanian Devil Car Alarm/Hole Driller

Need help to drill that hole? Why not try a Tasmanian Devil? A Tasmanian Devil spins around and around to make its hibernation hole. As a bonus, when it's done, you can very gently, very carefully equip yourself with the most ferocious car security system imaginable. Wake up! Import a Tasmanian Devil today. Brought to you by the same team that brought you the African Sand Cat topsoil spreader.
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Good Criminal/Bad Criminal

Crucifixion was reserved for the lowest criminals in Roman law. One of the two men crucified alongside Christ took the crowd's side against Jesus, saying 'Save yourself and save us!' He was trying to make Jesus feel like he was betraying his fellow victims. But the other man on Jesus's other side said 'We are guilty for our crime, but this man is innocent. So shut the f- up!' Some wrongdoers are unrepentant. Even as they are being punished, they refuse to accept responsibility for their crimes. Instead, they see themselves as poor victims. They are just plain evil. And when they cry because they didn't get away with something unspeakable, it really is amusing.
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Bird of Pray

I saw what I took for a sign the other day. An American eagle perched itself atop the cross of a steeple. A rare sight. Only the second time I've seen it in the last three months. Beautiful, majestic bird. I think it's clear what this means. America will ultimately triumph over Christianity.
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Stark Raving Mad TV

(A reporter visits a disgraced star in the sanitarium and feels compassion for her.) Nurse: She's been crying like that ever since she got here. Reporter: How awful! Can't you give her medication? Nurse: Nothing works. Reporter: Don't cry, sweetie. It's not the end of the world. You'll get another job. Star: That's not why I'm sad. Reporter: Well then, why? Star: (bursting into tears) I couldn't decipher my child's entrails!
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Bless Me, Father

(A church. A man kneeling to pray is approached by a priest.) Priest: Did you do as I say? Man: I certainly did, Father. I prayed for a virgin. Priest: I told you to pray to the Virgin! Man: You did? Oops! Oh well. I have to go now. Penance can sure be time consuming. (He gets up and heads for the door. A young nun, praying by the candles, sees him leaving. She gets up, removes her prayer beads, and hands them solemnly to the priest.) Nun: (Running after the man) Wait for me!
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