To the Plagiarizers

Boy, do you fight dirty. No one knows it better than my eight-seven-year-old mother. What did she ever do to you? Did you know that you guys are psychopaths? No compassion for your victims. Out of control egos. And did all the musicians who played on your show know how you treat musicians on the internet? Lucky for them they never tried their hand at writing comedy. I hope I don't sound like a wimp here because I know I was such a wimp to let all that work fall into your criminal hands. It had nothing to do with trusting you. It was just sheer weakness. And as for the six years (and counting) of single-handedly fending off attacks from you and your millions of followers, I guess anyone could do that. How have the last two and a half years been, since the world first learned about you? Would you like to know how I've been doing? Why don't I share my experience of waiting for a meal at the drop-in earlier today? As soon as I sat down, some malcontent decided to sit next to me. He spoke openly about how 'his girlfriend fucked him all through High School' and how 'he's just a dogfucker.' I couldn't take it and I had to leave. So now I'm here and I still haven't had a bite to eat. What's it been like for you when you needed to get something to eat? Anyway, I knew this person couldn't have been talking about me because I didn't have a girlfriend in High School. I only had a couple friends who were girls. I didn't even have sex until I was well into my twenties - not that it's anyone's business. And a 'dogfucker' is the wrong word to describe someone who did three years of work in eight months for multiple television programs and musicians, and then had to build stages for them. If anyone is a 'dogfucker', it's someone who plagiarizes his content from the internet instead of producing it on his own. So maybe he was talking about you. [If anyone's wondering why it's taking years to catch up with my first blog, it's because I'm limited to one or two hours of computer time a day with no home connection. That's right. I have to walk half a mile to the Public Library if I want to go online. But these crooks just lie around at home and steal it all from their home connected computers. And I wrote my song Lazy around its lazy, hypnotic rhythm, not around my life experience. Don't ask. Just tell everyone else what I meant.] What have your living accommodations been like? I've had four different locations since I was forced out of my apartment by falling behind on my rent as I reconstructed old songs. Would you like to know how I got into my current home? By collapsing on the sidewalk in front of the drop-in center. An outreach worker took pity on me and booked me a room. It's a nice room, but the neighbours don't seem to like my singing and playing as much as they did when they heard those thieves doing the same thing on the radio. When I consider how bleak my life has been, I sometimes wonder if I might have been better off in jail. You see, when those creeps get caught for something nasty, like the sex crimes you tried to pin on me, they are probably thankful for their jail cell because it puts up a safe barrier between themselves and all the unbearable public hate. Besides that, if all I am left to do is to be alone and work on my songs and writing, I'm sure I could do that in jail as easily as anywhere else. And I wouldn't pass out from hunger. What sort of transportation do you have? I used to have a bicycle, but someone very much like yourself was cruising by in the chauffeur driven car he got from stealing my songs one day and saw me on it. While his passengers, probably taken from under my own roof at the time, were amusing themselves, saying 'Who's in the car, Dave?' through the tinted glass, he interrupted them and insisted that I did not deserve that bicycle I was riding. Later that day it disappeared. I never bothered to replace it. Now I just walk or take public transit. The last time I boarded a bus, it must have been right at the end of the school day. The other passengers pummeled me with keywords from my blog for the entire ten minutes. It felt like being back in Grade Ten, and I never liked school. How have the students been treating you? The last time I had a direct encounter with a class of students, they were visiting my drop-in center. Maybe their envious teacher was trying to show them where they would end up if they supported me. You should have seen the way one of those girls walked by me with her nose in the air. I bet they haven't been so stuck up with you, though, eh? Just think. Grade Ten students were only ten years old when you first started using my work to turn them against me. They've hated me as long as they can remember. Many of them hate me automatically, without knowing or caring why. Way to go. How about those production workers? How have they been treating you? Do they shoot on your doorstep and tell you to walk around the block as soon as you step outdoors? It came down to me that some of these workers are trying to excuse themselves for helping that band to steal my music by claiming that I 'looked like I had been demoted'. Gee, I guess that's why that industry rep showed up my first day on the job, played my voice through the loudspeakers for them, and told them they should be kissing my feet. And I guess that's why a major star apparently told them who I was. Didn't they mention this? Given the extent of their involvement in this crime, I hope they are all safely locked up somewhere. What's it been like for you to go shopping? Don't tell me. I used to work in retail. We were told to clear out the store when a star showed up to buy something: 'All right, you riff-raff! Star coming through! Clear the way!' Would you like to know what it's like for me to go shopping? Well, the last time was when I bought my blu-ray player for my blu-ray disc. I asked the clerk for information to help me select the right choice on my monitor and he started condescending to me about file compression, as though I were a ten-year-old. You're lucky you didn't have to go through anything like that. You'd like the selection of DVD's in this store: The Women of SNL, The Simpsons box sets, Leno, Family Guy box sets, MAD TV, and I think they had Mean Girls, too - though now that I know where the inspiration for that movie came from, I really think you should have left the title Mean Little Bitches instead of watering it down. Do you make a lot of money from those DVD sales? How did you go about dividing up my work among you? Did you do it individually or was it masterminded from some central location? The way I figure it, Carlin took all the atheist and anti-establishment and anti-people humor as soon as I deleted it in favor of my religion in mid-2007. (But he did come up with 'pussy farts' all by himself.) Weekend comedy shows took all the sketches. Cartoon shows took all the sketches whose special effects would have been too costly. Late night hosts took all the monologues. And everyone used what was left over. I don't know. It all seems suspiciously organized. I've given up on the prospect that anyone - like you, for instance - will come to my aid. Lord knows that I've been patient, waiting for certain key people out there to do the right thing. I sure hope it was worth it to steal all that material from me because I have suffered greatly and I wouldn't want my suffering to go to waste. I continue to suffer, but I am comforted by the knowledge that I have not yet been rewarded. Suffering for good comes before its reward. On the other hand, if you are suffering, it's because suffering from evil comes after its reward. Even if I have to wait until I die, I will be rewarded. As for you, have a nice life, while you still have one.
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